September 16th, 2011
A Month of Struggles
I haven’t posted in awhile and I’m sorry for that. I promised weekly updates and I also promised myself that no matter how badly I did, I would make sure I still posted to hold myself accountable. I didn’t do either of those. I have been trying to exercise but with time restraints and mostly my insane depression it just hasn’t been happening. I have felt so depressed I can’t even explain it. I have never felt this way before. I just felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t do anything right.
I decided to pull out of school this semester and that did relieve stress but made me feel like that was just one more thing I couldn’t do. I have been struggling for awhile and I just haven’t been able to tell anyone or really know how to take care of it. Every time someone said they wanted to work out with me I said yes because I knew that no matter how down I was I would workout with someone else there so I wouldn’t let them down. And then every work out date was cancelled or forgotten and I slipped further into my depression and thoughts of failure. Finally one day after slipping to my lowest point I lost it. I cried to my sister and just told her about all of my failures. I told her everything I was feeling and it felt so good to finally get it out. That night I still was feeling down and I decided to do some scripture study. It really helped because there was a line in the book I was reading that said, as you focus on the gifts the spirit gives you your guilt will leave you. I realized that my depression was a huge mass of guilt. I felt guilty for not having a perfectly (or even semi-perfectly) clean house. Guilt for not being a great mom. Guilt for being a not so great wife in many ways. Guilt for not being able to handle what was on my plate. Guilt for not exercising and for having this body in the first place. Guilt for allowing my self to justify my actions. Just so much guilt and I knew that I had to let it go. I have progressively been getting better and I finally got to a point where I felt I could exercise and I didn’t feel like just hiding in a hole. So I decided that last Sunday was the day I would start and not stop until I hit my goal. I headed to my family dinner and started feeling sick. I ended up getting the flu and being so sick for about 24 hours and then as the flu symptoms left I got a horrendous head cold. I have truly been out of everything for the past week and now that I can breathe and my sinus headache is almost done I am truly excited. I know this sounds like a cop out and honestly if you think that then I don’t really care because you have obviously not gone through something like depression. Anyway enough with my downer post. I will be updating soon. Can’t wait to tell you all how I’m doing.